Dear Grievance Gryphon, my long-distance (e.g. goes to another university) friend is struggling with their mental health. How can I support them and make them feel loved from afar?

It’s understandable that you may want to help your friend, but situations regarding mental health can be delicate, and every situation is different, so there is no one way to help your friend. There are, however, things that you can consider and try, based on how serious the situation is.

One of the biggest things is that you need to ask them how they would like you to help, and consider if they even want your help. It’s possible that they may not feel ready to discuss this situation, and would like to work things out on their own terms before discussing it with you.

Consider the type of person that they are: do they typically enjoy company? Or do they generally prefer their own space? This informs you of the distance you should keep with them in this situation, because if they aren’t generally someone that likes talking about their feelings, they probably wouldn’t enjoy being interrogated about their mental health either. 

You may want to help them even when they push you away, but understand that you still need to respect their decisions and the best way to help them is to do so in a way that they would find comfortable. If you are currently their main source of comfort and you fear that without you, their life may be at risk (from these struggles), you could recommend they find someone there that they can talk to. This way, they can get immediate help if something should go wrong. 

Your worries are normal, but if you’re far away from them, there is only so much you can do. You have no responsibility for their choices and you can only help them as much as they are willing to accept that help. However, if you still feel that you want to be able to do something to help, and you’re looking for a more neutral approach, you should just try to maintain contact with them. You could develop a sort of checking-up system to make sure they’re okay, in a way they’re comfortable with, but don’t treat them differently. You can be aware of their situation whilst still being normal with them.

Lastly, you should also be careful with yourself, in how you are helping them, and how your own mental health is doing throughout all of this. Don’t drain yourself because you can only help them as much as you can help yourself. It’s great that you want to help your friend, but don’t try to take responsibility for them; the best that you can do is help them get help and talk to them; ask how you can help, and help them on their terms.