Why Do Women Tend to Take on the Emotional Burden in University Relationships?

Whether in relationships, as mothers, care-givers or everyday life, the idea that women are socialised to take on emotional work is deeply rooted in historical, cultural, and social structures. This socialisation often stems from traditional gender roles that have been perpetuated for generations. Historically, women have been assigned roles related to the home and family care, which often included nurturing emotional needs. The idea was that women were “naturally” more compassionate, empathetic, and suited to care for others, particularly in intimate relationships and in the upbringing of children. Over time, these roles became ingrained in societal expectations. The assumption is that women are supposed to be the emotional caretakers of both children and partners, absorbing and managing feelings of others. Women are often expected to manage the emotional dynamics within their relationships. This can include managing the emotional well-being of their partner. 

In romantic relationships, women are often expected to be the emotional backbone, creating an imbalance in emotional labour. This socialisation, carried into university settings, starts from an early age where girls are often socialised to be “good listeners,” “empathetic,” and “caretakers”. Boys, on the other hand, are socialised to suppress their emotions and not express vulnerability. This reinforces the idea that emotional labour is the “female” responsibility. Because emotional labour is often undervalued and invisible, it can be difficult to recognize this work. It often goes unacknowledged, creating a situation where the burden falls disproportionately on women. Because of this unequal emotional labour in relationships at university, women can be mentally and physically exhausted. In university settings, where stress levels are already high due to academics and life changes, this extra weight can be damaging. Studies show that women are more likely to experience burnout compared to men because of these societal pressures.

When women are expected to constantly manage the emotional atmosphere, it can detract from their own emotional needs and well-being. In a university setting this can affect a woman’s academic and social life, unfairly affecting mental health, grades and social opportunities. Emotional maturity is a skill and responsibility that both men and women should embrace, especially in intimate relationships. Many women in university relationships can find themselves shouldering the emotional burden within a couple, often without realizing how deeply ingrained and habitual this is. The “Uni Wife” dynamic is when women do chores for men at university such as cooking, laundry, and cleaning. These pressures do not leave much space for the woman themselves to be emotionally understood or cared for. 

Whilst a woman is likely taught to understand a man’s emotional needs, a man can often struggle to understand a woman’s. This can result in them seeing women as “overreacting” or “overly emotional”.  According to Forbes, women tend to score higher in emotional intelligence tests compared to men. This is often because of a longstanding cultural expectation that women are the caregivers, emotionally and otherwise. Whereas men are encouraged to be competitive and confident, which can be seen as conflicting with emotions, thus resulting in lower emotional intelligence scores. 

However, men are also not given the proper support and teaching when growing up to be emotionally expressive. The phrase “man up” is often used to discourage boys from expressing vulnerability, creating a situation where men may not develop the same emotional maturity as women. According to a YouGov survey, over 60% of young British men feel pressured to “man up” due to damaging gender stereotypes and 55% said crying in front of others would make them feel emasculated. Studies have found that men suppress emotions more than women because they are not expected to show as much emotion as women. Being exposed to harmful reinforcements of traditional gender expectations, especially when in a new, scary environment at university which can arguably increase emotional suppression. 

Emotion is especially important to consider in the university context which is full of “lad culture”. Men are encouraged to be macho, making it unsafe to be emotionally expressive. University can sometimes perpetuate toxic masculine norms. So when men are in relationships at university, they may hide their more emotional side to fit in with the other men or culture around them. Thus, female partners have to compensate. The familiar saying, “Men don’t cry,” has long been ingrained in male socialisation, teaching them to suppress their emotions rather than engage with them openly.  

One of the most effective ways to challenge these traditional dynamics is through open communication. Partners should discuss their needs, and both should feel safe to express vulnerability. Men need to be given space and support to openly share their emotional side and not be shamed into concealing, and women should not feel pressured to take on the emotional burden. 

Words by Maicey Navarro Griffiths