Navigating Parental Loss: A Lifelong Journey of Youthful Grief
From Silence to Reflection
Since I was thirteen, I’ve often been caught off guard when someone asked me about my mum. I thought grieving would end once the chaos was over. I thought that once I worked through the five stages of grief, life would return to normal.
But life hasn’t been the same since. I became careful in conversations about family, doing everything I could to avoid the topic. I controlled my emotions when it came up unexpectedly. The bright memories I had with my mum, which should have brought comfort, felt like enemies. Whenever they surfaced, I felt fragile. This cycle continued throughout my teenage years. I pushed aside my emotions, believing that everyone goes through something similar and that my grief wasn’t worth dwelling on.
But as I have grown into adulthood, I’ve realised that unresolved feelings are the hardest to carry. It is time for me to truly navigate them. As October is my mum’s birth month, it feels right to reflect and dedicate this article to those who might have similar experiences. I aim to express that “You are not alone,” through this reflection. I don’t want it to be a strict manual on how to handle loss.
Since I am also travelling this path, I hope that sharing my experience may make you feel seen and supported by a friend.
Grief’s Unexpected Triggers
One of the hardest aspects of dealing with grief is how unpredictable it can be. It often makes its appearance in moments when we least expect it. Events like festivals, birthdays, and personal achievements can become bitter reminders of what’s missing. I’ve felt it every Christmas when my family gathers, and the absence of my mum looms large. Birthdays also no longer feel the same.
Milestones like starting university or entering new stages of life often amplify the absence of the person you wish could be there to witness your growth. It’s normal for these moments to feel incomplete without them. What should be joyful celebrations can quickly turn into painful reminders of their missing out. Thoughts of the person who isn’t there can overshadow the occasion.
Dreams and the Pain of Waking Up
Dreams about a lost parent can stir up powerful emotions. I’ve had dreams where my mum returned, and for a fleeting moment, everything felt real. But waking up from those dreams brings a fresh wave of emptiness. It’s something many grieving people have in common, the difficulty of separating memory from reality, and the ache that follows. It can be both a comfort and a cruel reminder, making us wish for a connection that feels just out of reach.
The Fear of Forgetting
For those who lost a parent at a younger age, there’s often the worry that as time moves on, the memories we hold onto will begin to slip away. Their voice and the little habits that once felt so clear can start to feel distant over time. This can make the grief feel never-ending. The fear of forgetting is part of the process, and many of us grapple with it as the years pass.
Holding On as the World Changes
One of the hardest aspects of grief is watching the world continue to change without them in it. Life keeps moving forward, with new friendships, graduations, and experiences. Sometimes you could feel trapped, attempting to hold onto the world you’ve left behind. I’ve often wished I could freeze time. I kept hoping that by clinging to the past, I could somehow keep my mum close. But as life changes, we can often feel disconnected from that previous version of ourselves and the life we once shared with them.
Grief Doesn’t End, It Evolves
It’s important for anyone navigating these emotions to acknowledge that mourning has no universal conclusion. It evolves and it stays with us in many ways. But what can help is knowing that others share this journey. Even if the world keeps going forward, even though we might not have all the answers, we can take solace in the fact that we are not the only ones who are grieving.
A Message of Love and Healing
Looking back on my past, I often find myself thinking, “I wish I knew…” I wish I had known that it’s alright to not always be the tough kid and that showing vulnerability is essential for healing, and not a sign of weakness. I wish I had understood that allowing myself to grieve acknowledges my mum and the love I have and will always have for her. It does not weaken my will to go on.
I hope my story reminds you to show love to your precious ones. Since tomorrow is never guaranteed, don’t be reluctant to let them know how much they mean to you. Remind yourself that it’s okay to rely on people and to embrace your feelings. Healing is a process that takes time and means you must have compassion for yourself. It is not a linear experience.
Everyone is at different stages in the journey of bereavement. Be gentle with yourself, accept the unwavering love, and create space for your grief.
Words by Jacqueline Wong