An Urban Enemies to Lovers: How I went from hating Leeds to finding my groove
I first arrived in Leeds in 2021, bursting — as you, dear reader, may be now — with anticipation. It is all to be expected. The disorientation of an unfamiliar city; the delirious excitement of meeting scores of new people (for which only a handful you will successfully recall the trifecta of small talk intel — what’s your name, where are you from, what do you study); the scramble to find your people, your wisdom, your place amongst it all.
But after a few weeks, new, unwanted feelings started to float to the surface. Disappointment. Loneliness. Dread. The first year in a new city often plays out like a game of bingo — it is only with time that the fortune of your card is revealed. This article is for those who, like me, find themselves the victim of an unlucky dip in their university city.
What does one do when, among all the nice people, they haven’t yet found their herd? What does one do when every time they venture outside, their senses are assailed by the sights of brutal industrialism, desaturated by a persistent blanket of clouds that makes one feel like they’re in purgatory? What does one do when, despite their best efforts, they cannot help but feel an inkling of regret — an inkling they can barely admit because of all the sacrifices made and money spent to get them here?
I spent my first year here despising this city against my will. Now, I have found everything I longed for. I hope the steps below will help you settle in faster than I did.
Explore like an adventurer
Until you find whatever you’re looking for that will make you feel at home, consider yourself as a pirate hunting for treasure. You have to explore the whole map and look for clues. For me, this meant discovering that the city centre — where my first-year halls were — doesn’t match my vibe, but I much prefer the town feel of Hyde Park and Headingley. Find the neighbourhoods, green spaces or businesses that align with your energy and find ways to spend more time there.
Put yourself out there and find your social circle
Good things come to those who take social initiative. Sometimes you may be lucky enough to fall into a group of immediate best friends. Other times, you may need to make more of an effort. If you don’t feel like you’ve found your people, don’t give up! They can be found in your university classes — try asking one person in your seminar class to go for coffee. There are hundreds of societies, of course, and there are the friends you make through living together. Another route to friendships is through employment — the benefit of forced proximity that forges many a youthful friendship can also be found in the workplace. My favourite friendship origin stories, though, are those from the most random of places. This requires throwing social anxiety to the wind and putting yourself out there. One of my first close friends in Leeds I met by introducing myself to a friendly-looking girl at a plant sale. Is there someone you briefly crossed paths with on a night out that you wish you’d got to know better? Make a habit of asking people for their numbers or social media handles, and then take the step of reaching out. I have made so many friends this way!
Connect with the community
Leeds has one of the highest student populations in the UK, and this student populace is often rather estranged from the local community. I was shocked to encounter disproportionately more southern accents than northern ones. One often feels totally out of touch with the rich cultural history of the city. By finding work, interacting with local businesses and joining community projects, you can find that sense of grounding that you need when settling in to a new home.
Don’t fight the homesickness too hard
Can’t shake the homesickness? Remember that all emotions are signals; your homesickness is just a natural psychological response to the human need for belonging. Instead of shaming yourself for responding in a healthy way to an unfamiliar and stressful situation, thank your body for signalling that something needs to change and embrace it. When I stopped punishing myself for feeling homesick and booked a short-term sublet back home, I was able to reaffirm my sense of security with my existing support system. I returned to Leeds finally feeling ready to build a life here. If you can’t get back home for a visit, try something different that will reaffirm your sense of security, whether it is working on your self-esteem or creating a daily routine. Negative emotion is just a sign that whatever you’re doing now isn’t working.
Don’t like what’s already there? Create it for yourself!
What if you explore everything, look for social groups with similar interests, try to assimilate into the community, and still nothing and nobody is on your wavelength? The answer is simple — do it yourself. In my first year at uni, a tutor dropped this little nugget of wisdom: “If you’ve got a question in a seminar, always ask it, even if you think it’s stupid, because chances are there is at least one other person wondering the same thing.” This applies elsewhere too; you are not the only person who feels lonely and out of place. When I first moved to university, I was 17 and couldn’t legally go out clubbing, so I made a groupchat for underage freshers and advertised it on Facebook. About 200 people ended up joining and I met my first friends in the city. One of my biggest peeves about Leeds was the lack of cosy reading spaces, so I bought an armchair from a charity shop for £6, ordered some floating bookshelves and created the cosiest reading nook in my room, complete with fairy lights, blankets and cushions. I have never read more consistently, and some of my favourite memories with my flatmates are reading together in the space I created. One of LUU’s most successful societies, Girls Training Together, was established in 2021 by Evie Samman, who felt that a female and non-binary fitness society was an essential missing piece of the student community. This shows how one person’s dissatisfaction with what’s already there can be channelled towards massive positive change that will not only cement your sense of belonging, but many others as well. If there isn’t a society for your interest, make one! Don’t enjoy the food here? Host a party celebrating your hometown’s cuisine and culture, or invite friends round for a potluck, or arrange to cook together with your flatmates once a week! There are endless possibilities — daring to dream is not a bad thing.
There is no denying that one’s environment affects one’s mental state – some people experience this more than others. But, we must be careful not to anthropomorphise environments. My initial hatred of Leeds was a direct projection of my insecurities and the social isolation I was experiencing at the time. By recognising our own agency, and the impact we can have on shaping our environments, we can transform the way we feel, and ultimately, create our sense of belonging.
