A Journey Within: Confronting Dissociation and Embracing Change
Throughout my life, many experiences have shaped my own identity, but the 7-month dissociative period during my A-Levels forever will be impactful, and remains a constant reminder of the personal strength and development that stayed with me after.
From November 2022 to August of 2023, what was originally Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), turned into a personal encounter with a dissociative disorder and an underlying problem with anxiety.
A-Levels were underway, and experiencing what seemed to be Seasonal Affective Disorder, was actually much more. Derealisation and depersonalisation was creeping in on a daily basis, something I believed was a completely normal part of being ‘seasonally down’. Each day, consecutively for 7 months, began the intense battle of willpower and floating through a cloud. Dragging through each day, exhausted by the slightest thought or action, soon became applicable to every aspect of my life, parts that I fought so hard for. Waking up in the morning, getting dressed, eating regular meals… they were all similar to gruelling chores.
The feeling of drowning became a common sign of my panic attacks, and unfortunately I experienced three terrible ones.
The 3rd panic attack was unordinary. When your panic attacks become regular, you get good at spotting them. Typically for me, hand trembling starts first, followed by unordinary breathing patterns and a hyper-awareness of my surroundings. However, with this panic attack I began experiencing severe dissociation. I suffered my third panic attack in class. After taking time outside, one of the teachers came to talk to me to understand what was going on. That was the first time someone recognised something was not right, and the first time I recognised it too.
After explaining what was going on for 7 months, I was advised to see my GP, to talk to someone – so I did. Talking is a huge step, but it was needed and took a few days for me to get my head around the idea. It was whilst speaking to my GP that having an anxiety disorder came up and that depression was a possibility. After a referral from my GP, counselling was the next step. From June to September, counselling was underway; a positive step needed to be taken to recognise that things would change for the better.
Talking through the entire experience with my counsellor outlined what I was originally feeling. My Seasonal Depression culminated into an anxiety disorder and a long 7-month period of disassociation. Counselling has taught me how to be proud of every step, that recovery from mental illness and pressure is a long process. Every day is an exciting new adventure; take advantage of every opportunity, and actually live your life, don’t let yourself float by. Counselling also ultimately helped me come out of disassociation.
Most of my memories from November 2022 to June 2023 are a huge blur, including my daily life, from my birthday to the week of my A-Level exams. Dissociative amnesia after that specific disassociation episode has affected me heavily; I remember specific instances of panic attacks and specific conversations with people, but the one aspect to dissociation I despise is not remembering the times I have had with my family.
“Do you remember going out for your 18th birthday?” – I don’t.
It’s heartbreaking to not remember instances which I would normally love, and I would give anything to remember the first 6 months of being 18 years old.
On the flipside, every problem hurled has taught the most important life lesson; to be grateful to feel alive every single day. I’m feeling life instead of feeling like I am floating. Recognising the triggers, and how to minimise disassociation has become gradually easier over time. Since coming out of the dissociative episode, I, along with many others, have felt ‘brand new’; this is the year of reinventing yourself, to grow.
I am thankful to experience living, for the help received by my counsellor, the teacher who recognised mental instability, friends who stayed up throughout the night to talk, and my family, who were incredibly patient with me.
Disassociation is more complex than it seems and I am proud to come out the other side.
